btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
