beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize