By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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