dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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