Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
