you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
