Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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