just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drake has all the answers
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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