if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
