I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
