Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
