if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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