You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
