an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
