doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
