I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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