Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
