Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We talked him into tasing himself.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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