Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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