The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
