She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
