What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
