I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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