Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
