hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize