I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
