Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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