Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
