Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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