god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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