dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
