If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
