I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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