weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i need some magic done to my vagina
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
