she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
