I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
