My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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