that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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