i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
