i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
