Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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