She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
