Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
