I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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