Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
