matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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