I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
