WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
