His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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