I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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