Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
How external is "for external use only"?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
