My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
