I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
