drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
