Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
