He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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