walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wish i was in the wii world.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize