none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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