Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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