yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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