i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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