yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
