Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
