Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
