Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
