Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
