I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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