We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
