she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
