When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
