you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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