yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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