six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
In America we eat man semen.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Randomize