We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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