I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize